The markets in Turkey are something else - no not the ones for the local people, full of oranges and aubergines etc, but the one that cling to the heels of all the tourist sites - These sell carpets, plates, tick tack and crap..

Theories abound on the best avoidance methods, what do you do when you are approached by a salesman who of course (!) only wants to speak to you and practise his English " We can have tea together, my friend has a shop over here"

I tried the old one.. 'I dont speak your language' technique, Picture this; we are strolling along to the Topkapi Palace Istanbul and as if by magic Mr Ben appears - our new friend...

How Bazaar How Bizare

The markets in Turkey are something else - no not the ones for the local people, full of oranges and aubergines etc, but the ones that cling to the heels of all the tourist sites - These sell carpets, plates, tick, tack and crap..

Theories abound on the best avoidance methods, what do you do when you are approached by a salesman who of course (!) only wants to speak to you and practise his English " We can have tea together, my friend has a shop over here"

I tried the old one.. 'I dont speak your language' technique, Picture this; we are strolling along to the Topkapi Palace Istanbul and as if by magic Mr Ben appears - our new friend...

"Do you want to buy a carpet" he says in English

I reply in French

"Do you want to look at my carpets , they are antique" he says in fine French

I reply in German

"Do you want to see some fine Turkish carpets" he says in German ....

Now before you get too impressed this was not fluent, well I was not fluent, he was!! I could not be arsed to concentrate on the words, I just said the first baloney that came to mind... You have to wonder at the man, he has just asked me if I want to look at carpets and I have told him in two languages crap the likes of "Wednesday is a green bicycle day, and my grandmother is available next month after four o clock!"

As a last resort I go for it in Dutch - Now I have him! Ha Ha - he walks away with out a single glance at me..... It is shortly afterwards that I wonder if he understand Dutch as well... Put it this way, my Dutch vocabulary is centred on a single subject (Hi Jan) a rather grown up subject, ermmm.... personal in nature you could say...and if he understood me, then its a lot more then a carpet I would be getting!!
(Is that a different type of shagpile then - Edwin)

The Wacky Races

So Chris and I are heading to Iran after all, got some miles to get through to get to this funeral on time... The run up to the border with Iran is splendid - bugger all traffic, lovely swoopy bits of road, temperature is down as we are up in the foothills near Mount Arrat - L O V E R L Y... Chris even forgives me for not letting him stay a day or so and climb the mountain - he wants to go back also, for it will be a celebration of life of a special person to both of us ... Those of you who have been this way before already know, the view from the campsite at 'Doggy Biscuit' is something else (There will be photos soon - keep coming back!!)

We hit the border early, cruise alongside the mile or so of trucks queing up until we get to the front.. A Mr Fix it appears as if by magic (Is there a school that teaches them this - The Mr Ben institute perhaps? advance courses in sideling and instant appearances?) ... and we succumb to his charm - If you ever get to go this way ask for Mr Ghengis.. in 45 minutes or so he had us in front of and away again from all the paperwork guys, things where stamped, prodded, looked at, aurgued over and generaly chived along... Did I ever say we got arrested for speeding ? no ?.. well really we did, they where the politest policemen imaginable, and probably the only guys with a pucker video survalience kit in all of Turkey.. we where got good and proper... over a 100 kmh in a 77 kmh zone - well thats what I think was mimed.. we had a few silly moments when they kept asking for a 'Gumruk Tripticket' - now I am not the brightest and I really did not know what they wanted for some time - we all had a jolly fun time rummaging around the plastic paperwork file looking at stuff.. then the slow glow of realisation dawned.. He is asking for something in Turkish - What is the only piece of paper I have written in Turkish?? I know, I know, call me Bullet, thats the bit of paper he wants!! - The long and short is we are each fined 83,000,000.00 Lire - we plead poverty - he has deaf ears and the fine is written on the Customs Paperwork for us to pay before we leave the Country - Thank you , how efficiant of you ... we pay up at the border and step in to The Islamic Republic of Iran

.... and then Mr Hossen collars us... now he is a Mr Fix it in a different league - perfect educated English unlike his Turkish Counterpart and not once did he offer to change money at a doggy exchange rate... 45 minutes again and we are out and on the way - I tip him 10 Euros because he is worth it ... Put it this way - we started in England.. where even drunk off our faces we can handle the language - France - Yep, we can do that slowly and badly, Italy - Just speak French with a silly accent, it works!!! .. in each we still have the alphabet... Turkey, mostly its the same alphabet, we got a phrase book, we can pronounce a few things - Iran, not a word, not a letter of the alphabet is known - its worth 10 Euros or what ever you want to give to get yourself in within hours and not days..

........ and the Wacky Races began .. There must be a genetic disposition in the Persian People to HAVE TO to overtake - they become mad monsters behind the wheel of a car/truck/bus/tractor anything with wheels - its a good job there is no alcohol - imagine Penelope Pit Stop with a G and T in a GTI! It would be Dastardly!

You start to develop a whole new set of riding skills in Iran, what maybe called the 'Oh My God, I do Have medical Insurance Dont I' kind of approach - you begin to instantly look to the rear of slow moving heavy trucks that are coming towards you, looking for who is about to overtake them and use up all of your road space!

The Persian People have faith - lot of faith in God - Allah is his name, They even write his name in BIG letters on the front of these truck, so you know exactly who they believe will save them, or you, right up to the moment you get splatted by the self same truck! But dont they know HE is a busy man... I mean there are lots of people in this world, we may all call him a different name or two, be that Allah, Jesus, Jehovah, George, Geoffrey or Cedric, HE cant be every where at once, can HE?... Do they have to keep testing him, If you have REAL faith you know he is there, you dont need to keep doing silly, silly things behind the wheel to experiance the joy of being miraculously saved at the last minute!!!... Dont you? - Its like picking at a scab, pick pick pick, lets see if it is healed yet, no ? Well pick pick pick.. is it healed yet? Pick pick pick...Oh dear my arm has fallen off!!

.... or maybe there are Assistant Gods? The Executive Vice President God of Iranian Affairs, perhaps, or a Special Iranian Road Safety Officer of the Kingdom of Heaven... or there could simply be lots of Goddettes... I cant wait to get to India, apparently there are 300 Million or so Hindu Gods and they keep discovering more each day!!!!!! How?? a free one in each packet of cornflakes...'A God a day keeps the Bogey man away'! Do people have cupbopards full of them, do they take them to the Car Boat sale once a year... and are they all called Patel?

Now a modern miracle would be for everyone to drive nice and safe and sensibly and never go too fast, or go on reckless dangerous journeys to Nepal on a motorbike, but then, by Cedric, the world would be a Fecking boring place.....

On the road to Tehran we go through Zanjan.. what joy, a 4 lane highway with a central reservation, thank Geoffrey for that... the buggars can now only try to kill you from two directions at once and not all four at the same time !

Stop Press ... Its just been announced that this Web Blog has won the coverted Golden Qwerty Award for the most extravagent and irrelavant use of exclamation marks Possible !!! WOW !!!! ... Next we will try for the Blind Pugh award for spelling accuracy and excellance

Photos soon.. keep coming back.. see the last few pages too, more photos and text added

Richard - feeling a bit twinless