With my knee seizing up it was imperative to exercise it, to keep mobility. And exercise it I did. At least once an hour, despite it's reluctance to cooperate, I put it through it's paces; bending it backwards and forwards. Pain is relative, more pain, more gain; actually not necessarily! Fate sent a German paramedic to the hotel, he expressed his concern over my knee, bastard! The swelling was coming back, seems to indicate the muscle not healed, maybe re-torn; what, more rest, ice, jeezus christ. Just when I was thinking I'd be out of here in a few days!

If I'd have taken the full advice given by the doctor, my knee may have seen ice in the first place, it may have healed enough to initiate a regime of exercise. Never mind, my bike bits haven't arrived from Mexican customs yet, so I need something to occupy my mind. I've run out of English books, can't get any more, so boredom is kicking in. Being able to concentrate on healing gracefully will keep me busy. As well as random photo's caught on the street outside the hotel.

One thing that's taken a considerable amount of time is looking back at Cai's life, and death. The memories, both good and bad; allowing the grief free reign, giving time to release some pain. One night I went through the entire photobucket selection of his photo's. Boy did it ever make me cry! I can't get Internet in my room, so it happened in the courtyard shelter of the hotel. There were only a few people around, I wouldn't have given a shit anyway; why should I?

For about an hour I cried like a baby teething, nothing could have stopped it; or so I thought. I didn't think I could look at a photo of Cai without breaking down; but then it started happening! Seeing that gorgeous smile, that happy face; who couldn't smile when faced with that miracle. And the tears went, to be replaced with a smile, to bring a happy feeling into my heart. Much as it breaks my heart to have lost such an amazing son, it makes me feel so privileged to have had such an amazing son.

Even though writing this see's me in tears, its no longer purely grief, I've a smile on my face as I cry. If eighteen years was the longest I was to enjoy life with Cai, then I'm eternally grateful to have had that time. To have shared what we had was the most phenomenal experience I could ever have wished for. It brought more joy into my life than I could have imagined. It may well have left a void, beyond my ability to see past; but those precious years mean more than any loss ever could.

And so I leave you with the smile that could have conquered the world, one in millions! He may barely have reached manhood, but what a man. Bright, sensitive, sensible, caring, adventurous, fun, loving; the list is infinite. Its a poor world indeed, that won't get to see this person reach his peak. Yet I have a feeling, actually more than just a feeling, that his memory will bring forward many a good deed. The world will still benefit, it's the legacy left behind, the goodness he filled people with. In his memory, from his family and friends, I hope many will follow suite and help those in need, all over the world. Let Christmas be a time of giving, to those who most need it.