A last night, sleepless in the Uk and then a flight back to LA. Depite trepidation over the last couple of days I'm back in the States. Yes, it is nice to be back; but it doesn't make me feel like I'm where I should be. But there again. where the hell should I be? Anywhere that feels OK for me at the moment!! And that is where the problem lies; I don't feel right, that I belong anywhere right now! If I ever felt lost and adrift its now. Having freinds at home was great. But they couldn't make up for the loss of Cai, however good the support they offered. I don't know how well I could have coped without them, I still don't know if I'll cope on the road alone. But I must try, I must find the strength and commitment to live my own life; one that Cai shares as a memory but can't contribute to himself.

My fear is greater now I'm far from home, though having Al and Lauren around makes it bearable. How can I expect to feel different; I've just lost my son! I've never put so much effort into a relationship with anyone else, I thought it was safe. How easily wrong that proved to be. Nothing can be done about this now, one redeeming aspect of it is that we spent so much time together while we could. So folks don't put off what you can do tomorrow, DO IT TODAY!!! Make the most of your loved ones and don't waste time on the negative shit.

A slight delay before I can leave for Canada, the bike's registration plates haven't arrived yet and I can't leave the state before they do. So off we go for a four day camp, hoping the plates will be back by the time we get back to Al's.