Get me to the Church on Time

                                                                Get me to the Church on time

Mr. Stanley Holloway's undeserving dustman [Doolittle] is a pure joy. It is a turn from the old music hall, broad and full-blooded.

The Times, 1 May 1958

Stanley and I have a much in common, I was born that year, also a cockney, and my skool teechers said if I didn't work hard I would be a bin man, ha what would they kno

So where do I begin?

Ah well, I returned one night from slaving over a hot dust cart to find laid out upon the table, a three course meal and candles !!, being wary I shovelled it down a bit quick, before her indoors could drag it away and increase her bargaining power over me, the candles tasted a bit waxy, but grubs grub.

Now I am honest enough to admit that women are much much more intelligent than men, more perceptive , and frankly nicer to look at as well except for my workmate camp Freddy he always dresses nicely

So the reason behind this special meal slowly unfolds, No2 daughter (Small with a kick like a mule), is getting spliced to that very tall pleasant young man she brings round occasionally,

unfortunately Act 1 takes place in Italy (deep sympathy I know) and its a long way from home

Now my lovely wife is aware of the fact that I hate aeroplanes, specifically passenger aeroplanes, a Dakota is OK or a Spad, but not big aeroplanes full of people, you would have to sedate me first.

Why ??

several bad experiences have scarred me for life.

I hate flying, getting stuck in the airports pre booked car park because the ignorant sods running it have overbooked to make as much money as possible and there are no spaces ( booked 5 months in advance ? ) how difficult is it to calculate a 10 percent wastage

The check-in desk, where in spite of arriving early, they keep you waiting and then when it finally opens, the usual bums rush as people bully their way to the front, for a flight not due to leave for 2 hours, the waiting area where they trap you and sell you overpriced rubbish, and the panic every time a plane lands, and the same buffoons rush to the check in gate and block the passengers trying leave the aircraft ?

they cannot understand that certain things need to happen first. like putting petrol in it, emptying the bogs so the fat bird can keep rushing backwards and forwards to have a massive smelly poo ( we always end up near the bogs)

and changing the crew , hoovering it, stacking the food and drinks compartment, and dipping the oil and pumping up the tyres and putting new maps in and swinging the compass. Putting fresh ammo in the guns, its not rocket science is it !!!

the last and final time I flew we waited as long as possible and then leisurely strolled on, to be met with angry glares and loud comments from a large overweight and frankly rude family who displayed a massive sense of self entitlement coupled with a total lack of manners, I was forced to speak to the po faced bingo winged lard mountain ,and explain that all the seats are pre booked, and the plane aint leaving any later because I strolled on slowly ( it took another 20 minutes until they closed the doors) so shut up with your loud muttering already

if you were that woman and you feel aggrieved next time stay at home !

that was it never again, ever .

Rather cruelly I consign my wife, daughters and grandchildren to travel cattle class without me , where frankly they would make life hell for anybody who crossed them !, and decided to take my chances on the tin donkey to Italy

My nephew Jonathan , henceforth to be known as the googler decided to accompany me, not because he is tight and wanted to save money, ( he is ) but because he enjoys learning new words, and recording choice phrases when I have a bout of tourettes, or do something daft ( very often)

it must be said that in life I am one of those people who is usually in the wrong opera, but fail to realise this and carry on regardless, my friends all call me special needs and avoid travelling with me for this reason, but he enjoys relating these small breakdowns to the rest of the family, and it fills them with much cheer and hilarity