28.5.09 Nazca, Peru.

I'm sorry, truly sorry, if your grandparents perished in an unheated Middlesborough council flat last January, but if it's any consolation, riding them around on the back of a motorbike at 14000 feet after sundown wouldn't have helped. They had a good innings anyway, unless one of them was an England cricketer.*
---

What's the smelliest bed you've ever slept in? For me, the prize goes to Room 08 at Hostal *Ahem* in Puquio. Getting in bed here is like clambering into a very ill horse's derriere. It has the added attraction of being startlingly uncomfortable, but that's outweighed by the horrifying niff, which penetrates the skin and survives the morning's (quite good) shower. Nice people though, and they're happy to have a large motorbike stuffed into a room of its own (twin beds 'n' all) at no charge. And the Milanesa de Pollo is extremely tasty; although because all meals are served in the room, the reek coming from the bed does tend to affect the palate. And by "affect", I mean "shit on".

Behind the wall of sleep, there's some respite from the honk... although in dreams, halfway through the night, I'm convinced I have actually become a latrine.

I skip breakfast and crowbar Her Royal Highness out of her room. It's hot - we've descended to about 6000ft and I'm looking forward to a breezy scoot through the last 100 miles and the rapid descent to Nazca (1500ft). Progress is hindered, however, by the tarmac, 90% of which is potholed to buggery, particularly on the 300 hairpins which follow. The visual treats continue, but I gotta look at the road...

Five bumpy hours clang by, and here we are in Nazca - home of The Lines. That's right officer, I'm here for the Lines. What's with the handcuffs?

The Hotel Internacional is Top Five. Bear in mind that it's tourist high season; the hotel's on the main square; there's secure parking for about 150 bikes (or 20 Unimogs if that's your style); each "bungalow" has cable TV, a lovely, non-stinky bed, a huge bathroom with 24hr hot water and a private patio area (!) with seating; towels, bog paper and soap are provided; and there's a daily cleaner. Guess how much? Incorrect! It's nine of the Queen's pounds per night. Probably a bit less due to the recent recovery of Sterling.
---

Get me! I've forgotten to mention the Chilean Overtake. It's a cracker. Here's how to do it. (You're in a car.)
1. Spot me on the horizon. I'm doing 75mph and you're doing 70.
2. Accelerate to 76.
3. Overtake me, agonizingly, dangerously slowly.
4. Once ahead, immediately decelerate to 74mph.
5. Become annoyed when I (safely) overtake you and bugger off at 85mph.
6. Return to stage 1.
7. Kill yourself - please.

This only happens in Chile, but it happens all the way up the Chilean Panamericana, and it is MAD. Apart from the Chilean Overtake, Chile is damn near perfect.
---

Altitude Sickness Observations

Now I'm back at (more or less) sea level, here are some medical notes about what happens up there in cloud-world.

1. First 24 hours; headache, shortness of breath, pounding heart, smoking tricky (but do-able). Saliva strangely foamy. Absolutely everything is extremely hard work.
2. Second 24 hours; no headache, heart OK, saliva OK, everything still hard work, ability to talk restored, smoking OK but limited.
3. Next 4 weeks; A deep breath every 10 minutes. Smoking back to normal. Olympic participation unlikely. Reduced interest in even the most degrading episodes of "Girls Of The Playboy Mansion". Appetite for grub utterly unaffected by altitude.
---

Animals I've nearly hit in Peru: Horses, cows, donkeys, vicunas, llamas (or maybe alpacas) and pigs. Pigs in the road are hilarious. Vicunas you get used to, but pigs! Hoot!. There's a theory that, if you're hurtling towards a donkey, it'll run in the direction it's pointing; whereas a llama will turn round and run the opposite way. Or is it the other way round? And by llamas, do I mean elephants?
---

30.5.09. Nazca, Peru

Are you a nut?
Do you sometimes wear a foil helmet?
Does your email address feature the words "Fox Mulder"?
Do you see it as interesting that your horoscope is sometimes right?
Do you have an "Area 51" sign on your bedroom door?
Have you ever had an estimate for any kind of bunker?
What is your estimated annual consumption in kilograms of prescription sedatives?
How likely would you say it was on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 representing "don't be stupid - it's absolutely impossible", and 10 representing "it's a certainty", that there are ants living under your skin?
Have you ever watched "Fox News" for any reason other than a short-term craving for sick, empty laughs?
Have you ever been denied exit from any kind of hospital ward on legal grounds?
Which of these words or phrases most accurately describes your current accomodation: a) House. b) Secure facility?
Do you admire Derek Acorah?

Yes? You'll be familiar with the Nazca Lines then, and will no doubt have swallowed, or even created, one of the many swivel-eyed theories about how they were created by aliens. All I can tell you about them is that they're bizarre, and well worth a $60 4-seater plane flight. (Nervous passengers - take a spew-bag).

Monkey. Obviously.

Alien - not quite so obviously.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, why not visit the following websites for further help and support:

yesiamanut.com
ihavelosttouchwithreality.tv
iamnotallowedscissors.org
---

*Sorry - I know nothing of cricket.