8th Oct 04. Ubrique, Andalucia.

Welcome to the Hotel Califooooornia!
Blah blah blah blah-blah,
Tumpty tum te-tum,
BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEEEEEAVE!

Not if you're a fluffy little bambi anyway. In that instance, the hotel management will have you machine-gunned. Your extremities will then be boiled and nailed to the wall, saving money on both ornaments and hat pegs.

This is riding-with-your-mouth-open country. It's stunning. The hotel is brand new and stunning. Even the supermarket in Ubrique is stunning, so I go and load up on chorizo and pears and tinned calamari and olives and stuff myself to within an inch of my life before going for a spin round the mountains.

There was an old man of Ubrique
Who urgently needed a lique
He ran down the mountain
And went in the fountain
They put him in jail for a wique.